Wednesday, February 15, 2017 @ 10:48 AM | 0 notes
Dear Chee Ming,
I know you would never ever read this. Even if you do, it would already be years after I wrote this. Anyway, I am going to write this. How is life these days? Is the days in army tough? I guess you might be having fun as I saw your photos on Instagram. You know something? My classmate in poly is in the same platoon, I think this is what they called in the army, as you. I was in a shock as I saw you liking his photos as I do not really like this guy. I am just saying that in my personal opinion, this guy has a quite bad personality. Alright, let's not discuss about him.
How long have we last had a conversation? Today is 16 Feb 2017, and the last chat we had is dated 1 Feb 2016 on Whatsapp. It had already been a year since we last texted. This should not consider long, right? We have never spoken in school for two years even the fact we were in the same class. I have a question in my head for so long and I really hope to listen from you. What is the possible reason that resulted in us becoming so distant for the last two years in secondary school?
Am I disturbing you? Or is it because I avoided you? I apologized if that's the factor that caused us to be like this.
However, I am really glad you would reply to my messages or I might really thought you hated me. Up to this point, you should be thinking what and why the hell am I writing this. How should I construct this sentence? Ermmm, I think I will go with this flow. It has already been 5 years since we graduated from secondary school. You know what've changed for me? The age, the date and day and the people around me. However, there's one thing that didn't change and this is the feelings I had for you. You may not know about this as I am a master in keeping it to myself. Maybe you have already known. Whatever it is, I am just trying to say after so many years, my feelings for you have never died. Sometimes, I wonder why too.
This unrequited one-sided love is just too hard for me as I am always guessing your feelings too. I am too timid to ask how you feel and end up making wild guesses which are mostly incorrect as these aren't my feelings. I hate the fact that I have to initiate most of the conversation between us because it would make me look like a shameless bitch trying to hook you up. I don't like to see every time I clicked into any websites stating the most compatible horoscopes, Sagittarius and Cancer aren't one of them. I dislike that we did not fit in to any of the points in "how to know if a guy likes you" as that would only mean you don't ever like me. I am frustrated as the comments below wrote that if a guy likes you, he would not go near you and this is the only one that matched us. I totally hate myself living like a fool for liking you knowing that you would not even think of me if I don't make the first move. This is because I am not even in your heart.
I have tried forgetting you. I really did. Yet, I didn't success even once as in the end, I would just return back to square one. You remember the first time I message you after we graduated? I immediately apologized as Wee Hiang went to confess on my behalf? I was glad that we continued the conversation but I was upset when you said it's nothing. I really want to confess on the day of the graduation but I just couldn't pass the courage test. All because I already know the answer so what for, to make a double confirmation. After which, you messaged me for the "pirate kings" and my superb imagination stepped in. Out of so many friends among my clique, why would you choose to message me? The one you avoided so well in secondary school. The one you don't even dare to collect homework from or maybe you find it troublesome to talk with? I was thinking maybe you didn't hated me as much as I thought then.
The last conversation was on 2015 during internship. I had a super bad time during internship and I was glad to text you at that time. I really appreciate the encouragement you gave and that was the first time I felt, actually you are really good in consoling others. This conversation, I wished we didn't had, so I wouldn't fall so hard this time. That long topic we chatted on is the reason that the feelings of liking you get even stronger now. You said you were sad as you couldn't get into a university. You told me that you would want to get into a good university so as to obtain a career in future. I was like do you discuss this to all your friends, even to someone you are not close with? Then, you went on telling me there was a girl you had your eye on, I encouraged you to chase her and you were procrastinating. Not long after, you said you went to an one on one lunch with her. You were in dilemma as before you said you liked her and after, you were not interested in her. I don't get what you mean actually and why do you have to tell me all this? Am I your mother or best friend? Or are you just trying to show off you have a girl you like? You left so many question marks in that conversation which led me in thinking you like me.
I am unsure what's wrong with me. I would always run away every time I sense something wrong. In secondary three, I told Wee Hiang that I like you and she had been trying hard to act like a matchmaker in putting us together. Her actions were so obvious, so I was afraid that once you know my feelings, you would avoid me. Hence, instead of you to avoid me first, I ran away. I am still thinking if that action of mine is the reason that you didn't talk to me in the next two years. We were good friends in secondary one and two, aren't we? We could even play and tease each other. Thus, the drastic change in the last two years was what I regretted. I shouldn't be so timid like I was in primary school. I should have just continue to talk to you when you were so excited about the China trip, I am really sorry for avoiding you. This had to blame on the experience I had in primary school. The rumor or maybe it was the guy who told everyone that he liked me, so the whole school knew. I had to bear that rumor for three years throughout my life in primary school. Everywhere I went in the school, sure they were people going " xxx like you" or "she is xxx girlfriend". I had enough in primary school so in order not to let it happen in secondary school, I tried to do everything without getting the eyes of everyone and not become the limelight for any matters. Then, the recent conversation where I stopped texting was also because I felt the love for you was not forgettable. I just couldn't forgive myself if I ever likes you again as I used years trying to forget you and putting down those feelings.
I don't hope that you would reciprocate this feeling as love should not be forced. I am just begging you to let me off. Stop me from thinking of you. I want to fall in love too, and I know that person wouldn't be you. I already accept the fact but my heart don't. I am so bad, as I smiled when you liked the consistency being single picture on Instagram. I am really glad to know you are still single but this just wouldn't help me as I might just keep on thinking I have a chance. Or maybe I am the one who locked myself in this unrequited one-sided love? I am the one who keep on thinking I might have a chance so I couldn't give up and let go? Maybe Chee Ming, you should just give me one tight slap to warn me you don't like me so I can wake up from this dream.
This one-sided love, I don't call it a bad memory. Instead, this is a good memory to me, knowing I fell in love before, it is just that I didn't fight for it. Maybe after this, I could find someone who deserve me fighting for it? Lemme put this feeling down real soon! I am really eager to know how does it feels to have someone liking you as much as you do. :D Oh, and you too! You aren't that bad looking, so let us quickly find our special ones.
Sandy
