Wednesday, February 15, 2017 @ 10:48 AM | 0 notes
Dear Chee Ming,
I know you would never ever read this. Even if you do, it would already be years after I wrote this. Anyway, I am going to write this. How is life these days? Is the days in army tough? I guess you might be having fun as I saw your photos on Instagram. You know something? My classmate in poly is in the same platoon, I think this is what they called in the army, as you. I was in a shock as I saw you liking his photos as I do not really like this guy. I am just saying that in my personal opinion, this guy has a quite bad personality. Alright, let's not discuss about him.
How long have we last had a conversation? Today is 16 Feb 2017, and the last chat we had is dated 1 Feb 2016 on Whatsapp. It had already been a year since we last texted. This should not consider long, right? We have never spoken in school for two years even the fact we were in the same class. I have a question in my head for so long and I really hope to listen from you. What is the possible reason that resulted in us becoming so distant for the last two years in secondary school?
Am I disturbing you? Or is it because I avoided you? I apologized if that's the factor that caused us to be like this.
However, I am really glad you would reply to my messages or I might really thought you hated me. Up to this point, you should be thinking what and why the hell am I writing this. How should I construct this sentence? Ermmm, I think I will go with this flow. It has already been 5 years since we graduated from secondary school. You know what've changed for me? The age, the date and day and the people around me. However, there's one thing that didn't change and this is the feelings I had for you. You may not know about this as I am a master in keeping it to myself. Maybe you have already known. Whatever it is, I am just trying to say after so many years, my feelings for you have never died. Sometimes, I wonder why too.
This unrequited one-sided love is just too hard for me as I am always guessing your feelings too. I am too timid to ask how you feel and end up making wild guesses which are mostly incorrect as these aren't my feelings. I hate the fact that I have to initiate most of the conversation between us because it would make me look like a shameless bitch trying to hook you up. I don't like to see every time I clicked into any websites stating the most compatible horoscopes, Sagittarius and Cancer aren't one of them. I dislike that we did not fit in to any of the points in "how to know if a guy likes you" as that would only mean you don't ever like me. I am frustrated as the comments below wrote that if a guy likes you, he would not go near you and this is the only one that matched us. I totally hate myself living like a fool for liking you knowing that you would not even think of me if I don't make the first move. This is because I am not even in your heart.
I have tried forgetting you. I really did. Yet, I didn't success even once as in the end, I would just return back to square one. You remember the first time I message you after we graduated? I immediately apologized as Wee Hiang went to confess on my behalf? I was glad that we continued the conversation but I was upset when you said it's nothing. I really want to confess on the day of the graduation but I just couldn't pass the courage test. All because I already know the answer so what for, to make a double confirmation. After which, you messaged me for the "pirate kings" and my superb imagination stepped in. Out of so many friends among my clique, why would you choose to message me? The one you avoided so well in secondary school. The one you don't even dare to collect homework from or maybe you find it troublesome to talk with? I was thinking maybe you didn't hated me as much as I thought then.
The last conversation was on 2015 during internship. I had a super bad time during internship and I was glad to text you at that time. I really appreciate the encouragement you gave and that was the first time I felt, actually you are really good in consoling others. This conversation, I wished we didn't had, so I wouldn't fall so hard this time. That long topic we chatted on is the reason that the feelings of liking you get even stronger now. You said you were sad as you couldn't get into a university. You told me that you would want to get into a good university so as to obtain a career in future. I was like do you discuss this to all your friends, even to someone you are not close with? Then, you went on telling me there was a girl you had your eye on, I encouraged you to chase her and you were procrastinating. Not long after, you said you went to an one on one lunch with her. You were in dilemma as before you said you liked her and after, you were not interested in her. I don't get what you mean actually and why do you have to tell me all this? Am I your mother or best friend? Or are you just trying to show off you have a girl you like? You left so many question marks in that conversation which led me in thinking you like me.
I am unsure what's wrong with me. I would always run away every time I sense something wrong. In secondary three, I told Wee Hiang that I like you and she had been trying hard to act like a matchmaker in putting us together. Her actions were so obvious, so I was afraid that once you know my feelings, you would avoid me. Hence, instead of you to avoid me first, I ran away. I am still thinking if that action of mine is the reason that you didn't talk to me in the next two years. We were good friends in secondary one and two, aren't we? We could even play and tease each other. Thus, the drastic change in the last two years was what I regretted. I shouldn't be so timid like I was in primary school. I should have just continue to talk to you when you were so excited about the China trip, I am really sorry for avoiding you. This had to blame on the experience I had in primary school. The rumor or maybe it was the guy who told everyone that he liked me, so the whole school knew. I had to bear that rumor for three years throughout my life in primary school. Everywhere I went in the school, sure they were people going " xxx like you" or "she is xxx girlfriend". I had enough in primary school so in order not to let it happen in secondary school, I tried to do everything without getting the eyes of everyone and not become the limelight for any matters. Then, the recent conversation where I stopped texting was also because I felt the love for you was not forgettable. I just couldn't forgive myself if I ever likes you again as I used years trying to forget you and putting down those feelings.
I don't hope that you would reciprocate this feeling as love should not be forced. I am just begging you to let me off. Stop me from thinking of you. I want to fall in love too, and I know that person wouldn't be you. I already accept the fact but my heart don't. I am so bad, as I smiled when you liked the consistency being single picture on Instagram. I am really glad to know you are still single but this just wouldn't help me as I might just keep on thinking I have a chance. Or maybe I am the one who locked myself in this unrequited one-sided love? I am the one who keep on thinking I might have a chance so I couldn't give up and let go? Maybe Chee Ming, you should just give me one tight slap to warn me you don't like me so I can wake up from this dream.
This one-sided love, I don't call it a bad memory. Instead, this is a good memory to me, knowing I fell in love before, it is just that I didn't fight for it. Maybe after this, I could find someone who deserve me fighting for it? Lemme put this feeling down real soon! I am really eager to know how does it feels to have someone liking you as much as you do. :D Oh, and you too! You aren't that bad looking, so let us quickly find our special ones.
Sandy
@ 9:24 AM | 0 notes
YOSH!
It's the night before my flight to Japan.
I am in seventh heaven!
Japan is one of the country which I longed to visit.
All because my so called "husbands" are living there.
Btw, FTISLAND is going to be in Japan too.
I am not sure for what though.
Hence, all FTISLAND, ARASHI and Yabu Kota would be in Japan,
the period I am in Japan.
However, JAPAN IS SO FREAKING BIG.
The probability I would bump into them is most likely zero!
Anyway, I would just want to enjoy the my trip there.
There is a person I am missing so much right now.
Guess you all should know who I am referring to.
I do not know why I am behaving like this recently.
I am beginning to hate myself.
Flipping through the conversation we had over the social medias chat box,
refreshing all platforms of SNS to see if there is any update from him.
I am like those jealous girlfriends afraid of own partner cheating on them.
The only difference is he isn't mine to start with.
Why do I like someone who doesn't like me?
And worse of all, I am still thinking of him.
One year already, isn't that supposed to be enough?
The moment my brain got the time to rest, I begin to fall for him again.
In conclusion, I just have to keep myself busy all the time so I can don't remember him?
It shouldn't be like this.
Valentine's day,
he been liking all those single posts on instagram.
Is he trying to tell everyone he is single?
I must be mad, really mad.
Who cares is he is single when I don't even know who he likes?
He said he didn't want a girlfriend,
and he is so desperate in finding one right now.
What's this?
Kidding me?
I am so wrong.
I am not wrong in falling in love with him,
but I am super wrong in thinking he likes me too.
Guess I've think too much,
how could he ever like me?
I am merely his friend, stranger would be a better word to describe.
Sometimes, I would like to learn those girls with courage and confidence.
I hate myself for thinking this and that,
all this are just my thoughts.
I just don't dare to ask how he feels about me.
Worrying he might reject me,
I just wouldn't take a step forward.
So I am now causing myself to have headache everyday.
JUST to think if he likes me or not.
I am really tired, I do not want to guess anymore.
Should I confess? Should I give up?
I think loving someone is the hardest question I had in my life.
There are solutions to all the questions on the exam paper,
but not when it comes to relationship.
He might like me, as a friend.
He might don't like me.
The only thing is he would never sees me more than a friend.
There is a quote for one-sided love and I like it so much,
The world farthest distance isn't how far apart we are,
it's I am standing in front of you yet you do not know I like you.
Chee Ming,
I hope one day when you finally know my feelings,
I am still in love with you.
Cause I never want to lose a chance to be with you.
I am dreaming every single night that I would finally have you.
However, once I am awake,
being with you is just a dream.
I do not know how to make you like me,
but if I ever gives up.
Maybe it is just that I wait too long.
Damn cancer horoscope!
Why just cant I make the first move?
Is my pride really that important?
I long to have you, knowing it is impossible.
Maybe I shouldn't read those
"how to know if the guy is liking me" questions on Google,
then I wouldn't think that you would me too.
So I could have put this feeling down even faster.
I know how love feels,
it is so difficult and pain.
If it is so easy to know how you feel about me,
then I won't have to figure out your feelings.
It is so pain as if one day,
you really have a girlfriend.
I am unsure if I could take it in easily.
The me you know isn't that strong.
Please use the most painless way to make me walk away.
I think I am in fault too.
I regret when the times when you played with me, I chose to walk away.
I think that's the reason why you are leaving me too.
Is it because you feel I am ignoring you?
I am sorry!
Cancers are like this.
They only know how to walk away when trouble comes.
I am not ignoring you, I am just afraid if the more I talk to you,
and you teasing me, I would just think that you like me too when there is not the truth.
I know since young that this world does not have beautiful ending
like those in the fairytales,
I know there are no prince to every princess,
I walk away is because I don't want to be in hurt as
I know the one in your heart wont be me.
I feel so dumb to think that you like me.
Look at me,
I am not pretty,
I am not smart,
how could you like me? right?
Just let me stand afar,
liking you is uncontrollable.
Until the day you have a girlfriend,
though I wish this day would never come,
I will then walk away.
because I am so stupid to continue liking you,
even though you don't like me.
I don't even know why I am so persistent in this unrequited love.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017 @ 7:10 AM | 0 notes
Ohayo?
I'm sorry, it should be Gonbanwa as it is already half past ten in the night.
I wonder what have to me beginning of this week where I have not stopped thinking about him.
Oh, come on.
It has already been 8 years since I selfishly started this one-sided love for him.
This should be more than enough.
The time to put down this fruitless love and move on.
Yet, I seems to be missing him more than usual.
What am I doing?
If you like him, just confess to him!
He has the right to know someone like me is loving him so much.
Many would tell me this.
However, in every relationship, there will be a coward.
I am the coward here in this case.
I really dare not tell him how I feel as I am totally afraid of rejection.
Okay, it is me. I hold my pride up too high and not willing to put down.
I always feel guy should be the one to take the initiative to confess.
How old fashion minded am I?
He too!
Why isn't him getting a girlfriend?
I do not feel his looking is that bad and he is quite humorous too.
One more thing, he totally fits the counsellor role as he is really good in comforting people.
Just how many years I took to force myself to put down this feeling and forget him?
And why am I always falling for him every time I sees stuff related to him?
Chee Ming, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TO SEIZE MY FEELINGS ALL THE TIME?
I just wanna forget the fact I like you and from so,
I could fall for another guy.
Idols are not real, I know.
Yet, you shouldn't let me locked up in this "unknown" relationship
which will not lead me to anywhere.
I want to break free.
One-sided love is just too painful for me.
8 years! It has already been 8 years!
Why am I still liking you?
The current me did not change, I still don't have the courage to tell my feelings to you.
I thought you would find out eventually or did I hide my feelings so perfectly?
You should have known already.
I feels my actions are quite obvious.
We were friends till secondary three and I was the one who stopped all conversation.
I am really sorry.
I always blame you for not talking to me, not initiating the conversation.
I always feels the wrong lies on you as you avoided me.
It took me years to realize I was the one avoided you first, stopped talking to you first.
That's why you distant yourself from me in secondary four and five.
I am sorry! I did that all because I found out I like you.
The me in primary school bears the same rumor for three years.
I don't like that where the limelight is on me.
I didn't want that to happen in my secondary school life so I chose to distant myself.
In case, if you found out that I like you, you would avoid me.
Hence, before you could do that, I did it first.
I couldn't talk to you as I was not myself in front of you.
I always got the urge to talk about FTISLAND to anger you.
However, you didn't feel anything.
I know all this is on my own feelings.
You didn't like me, and I won't force you to reciprocate my feelings.
Love should not be forced.
I just need an answer.
You telling me you don't like me.
Cancer are so weird, why couldn't they just fade this one-sided love?
Why do we have to hold on even though we know the person we like doesn't like us?
Why do we have to make ourselves suffer?
I don't really understand.
Why am I so insisting you telling me you don't like me so I can move on?
Or am I just lying to myself that maybe you have feelings for me?
My heart, why you don't listen to me? I am dying from this.
I don't want to love someone who don't like me anymore!
I also have the rights to be love.
I shouldn't always be the one at the giving side!
I really hope he knows I like him and give me an answer by then.
But I couldn't bring myself to confess.
Can't I be brave for once and tell him how I feels?
Just this and it will end everything.
The pain and loneliness would then all be gone!
Why is he so dense when comes to feelings?
Why he still don't know I like him?
Does he know already and avoided me because he don't like me?
Then why reply to my messages?
Am I overthinking?
Can I have an answer? I don't want to keep making guesses that are not even right.
I hate him for making me so confused.
If he likes me, just tell me.
If he doesn't like me, please also tell me!
Don't make me hanging here!
I have never fall in love, I don't know how it actually feels.
I really need guidance but who can I find?
He is really making me super headache!
In secondary school, he stopped talking to me out of a sudden.
Then he only talked to my friends.
Even when he was collecting homework, he asked my friend to tell me instead of asking me directly.
Why was he asking for my whereabouts from my friend if he don't like me?
And if he likes me, why aren't him making any moves?
Why did he say he like SNSD when he don't like Koreans?
Why did he tell me he like Korean song when he don't like Koreans?
Why did he always rebutting what I said to my friends in school?
Why was he always in the classroom during recess when he is a sociable person?
Why did he only find me to tell Wee Hiang when he is closer to Elissa?
Why did he tell me his frustrations?
Why did he encourage me when I said I couldn't believe anyone else?
Why did he tell me that he likes a girl in his intern?
Why did he tell me his ideal type?
Why did he continue the conversation in 2015 during internship when he was not supposed to as this action makes me like him more?
I really hate him for being nice to me.
He should not reply to my messages so I could forget about him with the thinking he don't like me.
Why is he always giving the idea that he likes me when he doesn't?
Why am I so fated with him?
I don't want anything related to him if the God doesn't want us to be together.
This painful one-sided love, I will end it no matter what.
Whether if it turns out good or bad, I will just treat it as a lesson for me not to love someone first.
Thanks for the bittersweet love, Chee Ming.
Now I really want you to know I like you or I will just continue struggling whether should I confess or not and this is killing me.
No matter if it is face to face or through text, I will definitely let you know I really likes you.
Or before I do so, please announce you have a girlfriend so I will end it without embarrassing myself.
Love you as of now.
Thursday, February 2, 2017 @ 8:32 AM | 0 notes
Konnichiwa!
Before I forget to update this blog within this year,
I shall post one first.
I'm just getting more and more lazier to say out all my feelings.
No one ever understands how I actually feel.
Thus, the point of me saying out is kind of useless.
There's nobody in this world put themselves in my shoe and think from my point of view.
Hence, only me myself knows me the most.
I told you so many times that I am not happy,
but did you even care?
I am really tired. I am already living like a walking dead.
All I ever did since I start my working life is to wake up, go work, come back, sleep.
This kind of "no life" , how long more am I supposed to endure it?
My idols are the only pushing force for me right now.
If they aren't there, I am about to breakdown soon.
I've to put up with so many people until that I feel life isn't that great anymore.
Things I learnt in adult world is to be as FAKE as you can.
There isn't anybody in this world who are actually caring.
They are all busy with their lives, no one will think of you. NO ONE.
I am about to explode anytime.
Yet, I could only angry at certain timing.
Hey, I am also a human being. I have the right to be angry.
You don't allow me to use the toilet, don't allow me to talk,
now you still want to snatch the right of me to be angry?
Am I like a dog to you? Even dogs have their rights.
Why should I endure this shits you giving?
Only remember me when you needed help?
You are all the same!
I am seriously tired.
Don't ever try to stop me spending on my idols
as for now, only my idols could make me laugh.
Please think before you talk.
You said to ask my idols for money?
Hello, who could I ask for money in this family?
NO ONE OKAYY!
I needed money to buy laptop, there is no one I could actually turn to in this family.
People said family is there for you in times of trouble.
Yet for my case, I am the one who is offering help and solutions.
I have learnt to be independent as only me could save myself.
I hated A Maths but I continued because you said learn more while you're young.
I pleaded for tuition and you don't allow.
When he studied A maths in POLY, he could turn to me for help.
I am really not good in A Maths, so I rejected.
WHO THE FUCK IS HIM TO SCOLD ME?
Is there anyone in this world who get scolded for teaching someone?
No right!
I depend on myself for help while you could rely on someone else.
What I got is based on my own effort, you people got no right to criticize me.
I lend you money to pay phone bills, school fees and concert tickets.
You didn't pay me and turn the other way round claiming I am the one who owed you.
I kept quiet.
You pushed the limit even further by treating me worse than a prisoner.
Don't come to me when you need help in future.
How dare you to treat me like this?
The rest knew yet continued to side her.
Why is my life worse than Cinderella?
She got bullied by her step sisters, and I am bullied by my own sister.
I don't know how long more I could endure all this.
It is not me to keep quiet after suffering all these unfairness.
For the sake of peace for this family, I am shutting my mouth up.
You all didn't even realize that, am I right?
AS YOU ALL THINK I AM GOOD TO BULLY BEACUSE I WONT SAY ANYTHING
Don't ever pushes my limit, or I will let you live in misery.
I wonder is there anyone in this who adores me?
I guess no as no one would want to love me.
I am here to just be bullied.
Classmates looked down on me, I endured.
Classmates bullied me, I endured.
Teacher thought I am useless, I admit.
Friends betrayed me, I forgive.
Family treated me like shit, I keep quiet.
Fine. Is there anyone who is not happy and need a sandbag?
I am here.
I really need someone who loves me more than they love themselves.
People I know are too selfish as they could only remembered themselves.
They always put themselves in the top priority.
TIRED with my life.
Now, I don't things too seriously as before.
I don't care if you are going to continue treating me like this.
I would just take it as a bee is singing.
I have got no more energy to rebut. No more.
Love relationships is what I hope to have now.
I really need someone to love me.
This world is just too cold and fake.
I am beginning to lose hopes.
Before I really does, please have someone to love me.
They said a relationship could hurts much.
I don't care about this, I just need someone to rely on.
However, I couldn't like anyone else except him.
He is still in my heart.
In order to love somebody else, I need to move him out first.
I could not move ahead as he is tying me down.
I dare not to confess as I am afraid I would ruin this weak friendship we have.
I am in dilemma.
As if I don't confess, I can't move on.
And if I confess and it does not turn out well, I will lose a friend.
I hate to love him but I did.
I don't understand this feelings.
Is it I could not let go a 8 years one-sided love?
OR I am reluctant to let go as I would regret if I don't have an answer to this?
Could anyone tell me what to do?
I don't want to lose this friend and I want to move on from this one-sided love.
HCM, if you know I like you, please give me an answer.
I am already turning 22, I don't want to be left on the shelves in the future.
Let me go. PLEASE!
So if HCM, give me an answer.
I won't bugged you if you don't like me.
As in the first place, I already knew you doesn't like me.
PLEASE TELL ME YOU ALREADY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
I am not sure if I could take it but I will move on.
Thanks in advance.
Anyway, love you like I always did!
WAN AN
