Wednesday, May 20, 2015 @ 1:41 AM | 0 notes
I don't know what to write though.
I had been hiding my feelings and it has became a habit which is now why I am unable to say anything out.
Lemme search my feelings... ...
Okayy, let's not drag any further.
Today is 20/5/15. I had stopped updating this blog since my birthday last year.
That's a long time. It is not that I am busy updating. I AM JUST LAZY, KAY!
Almost one year had passed. I think I am a bit more mature this time.
I am leaving the teens of the 10 generation. Of course I have to, no, had to be MATURE!
Projects are piling, pressure are increasing, and yet my grades are dropping.
Alright, it is not like I care much about my results like I am in secondary school.
I have lost all hopes on getting on good results. I just wish, hope that I can graduate and maybe if I am qualified for university, that's better. As I am not going to university for my own sake, I have to go in to bring 'face' for my family.
I am just too tired to even care all this shit. I has became lazier and lazier each time. EVEN A MESSAGE, I AM ALSO LAZY TO TYPE.
Motivation, Determination, Perseverance... I didn't have anyone of them right now.
How am I supposed to go back to that so called hardworking me in secondary school?
I really don't know how. I just wanna laid back and enjoy life.
20 years old.
I am already tired of life. Yes, maybe I forecast about my future too early.
Planning too ahead of time, now I seem lost as reality does not really go according to my plan.
Confused.
I know. In real world, things just come and go unexpectedly. How am I going to grasp all these unpredictable conditions when it come so suddenly?
Should I just continue with what I believe ? or should I just go according to the situations?
Which way?
I have too much regrets in this life. I do not want it to happen again.
I believe, I have to even if I cannot, I MUST graduate and be QUALIFY for a UNIVERSITY.
That's up to me as I am taking the examinations. SANDY WAKE UP ALREADY.
Do I want to make my parent proud? YES, I NEED TO!
Sometimes, it is really isn't too difficult or impossible for a things to be handle in this real world.
Only if you want and have the heart to do it. NOTHING IS IMPOSSBLE.
I have to believe in myself which is what I am unable to do so.
Always, I had been constantly looking down on myself. That's why I hate myself.
UGLY, FAT, SHORT, STUPID... etc.
This resulted in me being so lack of confidence. If I am able to like myself, maybe I will let others come to me. However, I can't.
Running away is my forte. I always run away when trouble come. COUNTLESS TIME.
When someone like me, I really do not know how to reciprocate their feelings, I would run away and avoid them. Likewise when I like someone, I will try to avoid going near them, afraid of them knowing my feelings and going away from me. Since when am I so coward?
I am afraid of being hurt, up till now, I dare not start a relationship.
YES, I AM AFRAID OF PEOPLE LEAVING ME AS THEY ARE ALWAYS THE ONE WHO LEFT ME ALONE.
When troublesome things going to fall upon me, I run. I always choose the easiest way to settle things. That doesn't stop the problem from happening again. Hence, I am so afraid of answering phone as I do not want to solve problems that doesn't relate to me.
Always and always, I am letting fate to control when I don't want it to be like this.
Both CCA I had in sec school and poly are the same. I didn't choose them yet they chose me.
Living in so much unwilling, I am suffering.
Who can I tell to? Who understand what I am going through? All I learnt is run away by making excuses. It is not that I don't want, is I don't know why I must do.
Yes, it is important... I know. But I just don't know how it will actually benefit me.
Finally, I had completed all these unexpected unwillingness.
Right now, when I am older, it is right time to find someone I like.
No matter how many places I go, I can't find a single person who will make my heart beat like how cm did.
Maybe I cannot put down the feelings I had for him and now it is still hunting me. It has been 3 years. He won't even recognized me. Why am I still thinking and dreaming about him? It is all because of him, no boys in POLY have attracted me.
Should I find him for compensation of wasting my youth? I think I should.
LIFE IS LIKE A ROLLAR COASTER. Ups and downs, laughter and disappointment, hence people are so amazing as they have different emotions and feeling for the same thing...
Yes, human are greedy but it isn't their nature.
I know people had been saying me living in my country are lucky.
Lucky, I know. We have what we want, it is convenient and to our benefits.
But what we sacrifice? OUR TIME.
We have all these so called good life but we don't have time to enjoy this good life.
Living in such competitive country, we always want to have the best or maybe first.
Hence, we are always striving and working hard to reach the goal by setting it as high as possible. Once the goal is beyond our reach, we will lose confidence in ourselves. Many have gave up and lower the goal. Some will continue to reach it and go crazy.
Is it worthwhile? To be like this? We had all forgotten the simple happiness that we used to have if we are not living in urban cities like being able to eat and drink, do not need to worry about when to eat and sleep.
We had forgotten that simple things like this can cause our satisfaction as we living in the top and hoping for more and hence, we became so greedy.
Different people have different kind of thinking. It is my opinion as I do not like this kind of life where I am always compared with others. So what if their grades are at the top end while I am at the bottom? So what if they had A while I have D? It is just a letter or numbers and it won't decide the life I am going to have.
My life is enough miserable with those negative qualities, so please don't add up to it.
Or else, I will be left on the shelves to rot.
Kayy, it is enough, I shall stop here.
