OH MY GOD!


It is 31 Aug 2018.

I have a few thoughts of my head right now.

As daylight turn to night, one after another.
Months goes by, turns to years.
Age just a number adding onward.

The older I grows, the more I cannot stand being alive.

When living becomes a torture.

Nothing much changes even though I have put in so much efforts.

Tell me what is the real meaning of "your effort pays off"?
I am just tired of every single thing in this world.

The thought of die is too real.
A life full of tiredness and fear, what else can I expect?

I am not being negative,
It is just that I can't cope with the burden I am facing currently.

Why is just some people could not see the hard work we put in?
Are they blind or something?
Did we offend them in some way?
Kindly speak out if we did.

Stop mental and physically torturing us.
Just say out and we can solve the root of the problem.
If you said that we love you not enough,
Just take a look at yourself.
In what way we do not love you?

Afraid of you being hungry, we always buy the food you wanted.
When you do not have money, we would offer a hand to help.

In return, what do you give us?
This continuous unhappiness you brought here?
I am really feeling super worthless being unable to change this.

You just love to provoke everyone in the family,
if I am the reason that you do this,
just took it out on me.
Stop bringing so much problems back home.
Enough is enough.

Turning on the music so loudly,
bathing so long,
wasting water & tissues,
DO YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS A RICH FAMILY?
Spend every single penny you earns and turn to us when you left nothing,
Wasting as much water as you can when the bills is so expensive.
Please kindly take some time and think back.
We do not love you enough?
Or we love you too much that you can do whatever you like?

Stop putting the blame on others when the root of every problem is YOU!

You have just successfully make my life being like a shit.
Why do I have to suffer this much when you are enjoying all the time?
I do not understand why,
I really cannot understand.

Hate this life honestly.

We all have problems at work, but is that a good reason for you to bring your temper back home?
I was scolded all the time at work, no matter who the fuck they are,
they just think they have the right to scold.
And the IMPORTANT PART is they were at fault in the first place.
ALL THESE SHITS IS REALLY ENOUGH.
I AM TOO TIRED TO DEAL ALL THESE SHITS!

You said 90s could not take hardship.
SO WHAT IF WE FUCKING COULD NOT?
Tell me what to do when problems are EVERYWHERE.

Even the whole world is attached, I will not be stupid to get a boyfriend to add on my burden.
I am tired as fuck already.
Humans are the problem of everything,
it is good if I can let them all vanish.

I am mentally, physically, emotionally and financially tired.
TIRED OF THIS WORLD.

It is 22 April 2018 and it is 3am right now.
I have received a sad new just only, my best friend's brother has passed away.
I do not know how to console people but I hope she don't take it too hardly.
This is heartbreaking as a sibling you have live for so long just leaves you suddenly.
Hope she could be strong enough to go through this in critical exams period.
I am here, if should you need any emotionally or physically help.
I send my condolences to her.

This makes me think about life once again.
Ever since I started work facing different kind of challenges, I have thoughts of giving up.
Maybe I am not fit into this society where everyone are wearing a mask.
I do not know who I could trust and who I could not.
Difficulties are hard to overcome.
The populations here isn't that small, and of course, consists of all kinds of people.
Everybody is just thinking of themselves, this is human beings - selfish. 
As someone who could not handle human relationship well, I am stuck.
It is tiring having to think whatever I say is right and does not offend anyone.

Being conscious of my own actions at all times, meaning I have to be tip toe position all times.
Aren't one tired?
I have times where I wanted to just heck care everything and leave.
Yet there are things I could not put down.
I am only 22, and I have been thinking of dying since the last 3 years.
I do not know what's up with me.
People do not want to die are dying.
Yet I am still here.
I do not know what I should do with life?
Is there anyone out there willing to teach me?

I am seeking for help, finding for motivation to keep on living.
3 years back, I am only 20.
Just stepping into the society, not knowing what future lies on in front of me,
I am willing to accept all kinds of industries.
Trying to cope with my new environment, I have family problems ,which could not be settled, lies on my shoulder.
When 2 individuals couldn't agree with each other, the third party would suffer.
And that is me.
Not being able to compromise each other and staying under one roof, an atomic bomb is then set off.
You're tired and so am I.
She could not stand his GF.
He just carry on and does his way without trying to understand her.
Once she is mad, she would start to scold and nag, and that's when hell starts.
She got mad with everyone, causing an uproar every single day.
I could not do anything if they don't try to understand others.
Work alone is giving me a lot of stress, yet I got to face this.

Seriously, I am tired everyday both physically and emotionally.
Everything is a problem regardless of FINANCIAL or RELATIONSHIPS.
They do not want to help out, and what can I do with my little earnings?
This is when I start to realise I am not ready stepping into adulthood.

Once again, I am only 22 but my thinking seems like 82.
I couldn't get into a relationship upon seeing my siblings'.
Sometimes, things get too difficult.
I wanted to end this by killing all of them and suicide.
When this people do things, have they ever think of me?
Have they ever think of their parents?

Like someone, just say it.
Not happy, show it.
If everything were this simple, I would not be in such situation anymore.
As a parent, you could not tell your child your difficulties.
Yet, you can't stand of their way of doing things.
They would not understand if you don't say, isn't it?
Miscommunication only ends up in quarreling.
In a family that does not have peace every single day, will you be happy?

Just as I thought it has been settled, another problem surface up.
Is it not giving me trouble, you all will not be happy?
I am the smallest, my ability is limited.
I have my own things to settle too.
Why you guys just can't think more of others instead of yourselves?
The way you treat me when you need help and they way you treat after I helped.
Please think back of your actions and changed it before it's too late.
I don't know how long I can last.
I am really tired. Tired of this world.
Idiots are everywhere.

Fake people are everywhere.
I knew beforehand, I knew I have to protect myself.
With my damn character, there's no way I can protect myself.
I would not stand up for myself even I know I am not in wrong.
This is me.
How am I supposed to be surviving in this sucked up society?
Dealing with people is something I cannot do.
I am really fed up with all these shits.
Taking blames, being scolded for nothing,
Now I am immune to everything in this world.

I hope there is a place with no human beings, just me alone.
I need the quietness to calm myself down and rethink or rejudge this world.
No motivation, No perseverance, No determination,
all I wanna do is run away from here.
Leaves all problems behind,
Leaves all worries behinds,
and to change my thinking of my life.

I am a coward.
I admit.
I am a scardy-cat.
I know it.

There's nothing I can do.
My brain function too well till I have to rephrase every single sentence I want to say.
In case it may offend anyone.
I think too much.
Too much till I have enough.
I just wanted to talk to him.
Yet I am thinking I may be a nuisance to him.
I wanted to convey my feelings to him.
Yet I am afraid he might run away.
Why do I have to make my life so hard?
Get rid of this damn worries, and character.

This might be why I hate my life.
Because it is not a worth even to take a look back.
Hope HT can quickly get over it, think positively unlike me.
I hope things would only go well for her, she has suffer a lot too.
I want her to live a good life.

That's about it.

Konbanwa!

It has been about 9 months since I last update my blog.
To be honest, I has already long forgotten about it.

I have just tendered my resignation letter this Jan and now I am jobless.
And also, I have interviewed for a part time course for university and I am starting in July.
I have to quickly get a job soon if I wanna go Japan with Sam.
Gonna upload my resume in Jobstreet tomorrow.
Hopefully I could get a job soon !

I really want to go Japan with Sam.....
It will then be the fourth time for me to visit Japan.

I do not know which part of Japan makes me wanna go back again and again.
Ah! I know already!
It's my idols....

KinKi Kids, ARASHI, FTisland & Yabu Kota!

My favourite men in this world.
The so called 'husbands' that I know them and yet they do not know me.

I has been reminding myself not to think about CM.
Yet it does the likewise.
The more I reminding myself, the more I start to think of him.

I should really forget about this unrequited feelings.
He is not going to like me.
This is a fact that I should have accept it long ago.

I am just lying to myself that I still stand a chance but it is not going to happen.
Just forget about it, SANDY!

The truth is HE IS NOT GOING TO LIKE YOU.
If he does, he would take the initiative to message you but he didn't.
This already shows everything and WHY AM I STILL HOLDING ON TO IT?

Let go, I should have let go since years ago.
It is not too late.
Let's start all over again!
It is really useless holding on to a feeling knowing the other party would not reciprocate.
I should really stop lying to myself.
I have already wasted so much time.

This is what I have been telling myself and I start to realise something.
I think it was not like this.
It is not his fault and neither do I.
I already let this feeling died.
I am just not wanting to get into a relationship with anybody.
He is just an excuse.
An excuse of not letting anyone in again.
It is not that I am afraid of being hurt.
I am just tired of everything in this world regardless work, family, friends or myself.
I am so tired that I wish I could leave everything behind and just go.

I do not know what is with me these days that I wish I could just die.
When there is no goal or motivation in me, all I can see is the end.
Maybe it is because of the last 2 years that things aren't going smoothly in my family.
Work got tensed and stressed.
Incapable of handling both things together, I started to break down.
I really do not understand why I have to take all the burdens when I am the youngest.

It should not be me.
This is what I thought.
Am I really that good to be able to do well in this role?
No, I am not.
I am not that good or filial as you think.
My heart is not really that big.
I am not that smart to do this too.
So why me?

I think everyone has a role to get things well.
I cannot do this alone. I am sorry.
So please stop saying to rely on me when things happen.
You all have a part to do as well.
Family is not only a person, right?
We all have a role in it so let's just do our parts well.
This would be a better way, isn't it?

Is this why I do not want to get a boyfriend?
Or I am just that not confident to be a good girlfriend?
And there is no one that like me.
I am not that dense like CM not to realise it.
So I would just let natural take its course.

In any case if CM got to know this blog,
ya you are the person I like and can't let go after so many years.
So if you could kindly gives me a reply that you don't me,
I would appreciate much. Thanks.

Don't worry,
I would not pester you like any girl does, as I am not the normal kind of girl you think.
You should know this well after knowing me as friend for so long.
Just give me a hint or you can straight tell me in  my face.
I would not mind, as I just need an answer to this unsolved question.

I would stop here today, update the next time if I could remember. 



Chee Ming,

I am not sure if this is counted as I am still liking you or I am used to be liking you. Somehow I would think of you whenever someone mentions about boyfriend. I am starting to feel like that the reason I could not let this feeling fade as I have not given my best. I do not want to give up without trying. However, there is a obstacle for me moving forward. I am a coward. I am afraid of being rejected and this is why I have been struggling on how am I supposed to confess to you.

Many people have persuaded me that I should have long tell you how I feel as there are no more time to waste. Yet, I am procrastinating and all because I know I am not the one that you like. Well, even you don't say so, your action does. I wonder what is feeling to be in love. Do you know? It seems kind of sweet and sour or maybe bitter. I do not know because I have never been in love.

To have someone liking you, what is the feeling? I have never been loved by anyone before. Thus, if you have this feeling before, could you tell me how does it feel like being loved by someone? I do not think I am afraid of falling in love and neither do I tried to push someone away. My mum said I always rejecting and refusing to try falling in love with someone. Did I?

Did I ever tried pushing you away? I did not, right? I am not refusing any chances of being loved by someone. Most of the people around always trying to match-make me with someone just because I am single. I don't like being forced to like someone I don't. Neither do them, right? I had this scary memories of having rumors in primary school where everyone claimed that person was my boyfriend even the fact it wasn't.

This experience made me to learn I have to distance myself so I don't get any untrue rumors of me  running around in school. I do not why I am so afraid to tell you the truth that I like you. Is it just solely I am scared of being rejected? I am not so low self-esteem. Or maybe I feel that you are too good for me? Or maybe I do not fit into your categorizes for friends? I don't know why.

I only know I have the eager to message you but I don't have the courage to do so. I hope one day I have this sudden courage to do so and to confess my this hidden feelings to you. Chee Ming, could you take initiative to message me? I don't want to always be the one trying to initiate conversation with you. I tried not to believe what the internet says that if a person likes you, they would always message you as this only gives me the impression that you don't like me.

I am still having this little hope that you would like me thought it is only like 0.05%. Even so, I would like to try before giving up. I don't want to regret in future as I remember this part of my life and I didn't give my best to make you realize I like you. I thought this feeling would fade but it didn't and this is what scares me. Why am I like this? This is so scary. I would make you know how much I like you and make you reject me in a proper way. In this way, I would not regret in future as I look back in my life.

GANBATTE! THICK FACE IS BETTER THAN REGRET.


Dear Chee Ming,

        I know you would never ever read this. Even if you do, it would already be years after I wrote this. Anyway, I am going to write this. How is life these days? Is the days in army tough? I guess you might be having fun as I saw your photos on Instagram. You know something? My classmate in poly is in the same platoon, I think this is what they called in the army, as you. I was in a shock as I saw you liking his photos as I do not really like this guy. I am just saying that in my personal opinion, this guy has a quite bad personality. Alright, let's not discuss about him.

       How long have we last had a conversation? Today is 16 Feb 2017, and the last chat we had is dated 1 Feb 2016 on Whatsapp. It had already been a year since we last texted. This should not consider long, right? We have never spoken in school for two years even the fact we were in the same class. I have a question in my head for so long and I really hope to listen from you. What is the possible reason that resulted in us becoming so distant for the last two years in secondary school?
Am I disturbing you? Or is it because I avoided you? I apologized if that's the factor that caused us to be like this.

     However, I am really glad you would reply to my messages or I might really thought you hated me. Up to this point, you should be thinking what and why the hell am I writing this. How should I construct this sentence? Ermmm, I think I will go with this flow. It has already been 5 years since we graduated from secondary school. You know what've changed for me? The age, the date and day and the people around me. However, there's one thing that didn't change and this is the feelings I had for you. You may not know about this as I am a master in keeping it to myself. Maybe you have already known. Whatever it is, I am just trying to say after so many years, my feelings for you have never died. Sometimes, I wonder why too.

    This unrequited one-sided love is just too hard for me as I am always guessing your feelings too. I am too timid to ask how you feel and end up making wild guesses which are mostly incorrect as these aren't my feelings. I hate the fact that I have to initiate most of the conversation between us because it would make me look like a shameless bitch trying to hook you up. I don't like to see every time I clicked into any websites stating the most compatible horoscopes, Sagittarius and Cancer aren't one of them. I dislike that we did not fit in to any of the points in "how to know if a guy likes you" as that would only mean you don't ever like me. I am frustrated as the comments below wrote that if a guy likes you, he would not go near you and this is the only one that matched us. I totally hate myself living like a fool for liking you knowing that you would not even think of me if I don't make the first move. This is because I am not even in your heart.

    I have tried forgetting you.  I really did. Yet, I didn't success even once as in the end, I would just return back to square one. You remember the first time I message you after we graduated? I immediately apologized as Wee Hiang went to confess on my behalf? I was glad that we continued the conversation but I was upset when you said it's nothing. I really want to confess on the day of the graduation but I just couldn't pass the courage test. All because I already know the answer so what for, to make a double confirmation. After which, you messaged me for the "pirate kings" and my superb imagination stepped in. Out of so many friends among my clique, why would you choose to message me? The one you avoided so well in secondary school. The one you don't even dare to collect homework from or maybe you find it troublesome to talk with? I was thinking maybe you didn't hated me as much as I thought then.

    The last conversation was on 2015 during internship. I had a super bad time during internship and I was glad to text you at that time. I really appreciate the encouragement you gave and that was the first time I felt, actually you are really good in consoling others. This conversation, I wished we didn't had, so I wouldn't fall so hard this time. That long topic we chatted on is the reason that the feelings of liking you get even stronger now. You said you were sad as you couldn't get into a university. You told me that you would want to get into a good university so as to obtain a career in future. I was like do you discuss this to all your friends, even to someone you are not close with? Then, you went on telling me there was a girl you had your eye on, I encouraged you to chase her and you were procrastinating. Not long after, you said you went to an one on one lunch with her. You were in dilemma as before you said you liked her and after, you were not interested in her. I don't get what you mean actually and why do you have to tell me all this? Am I your mother or best friend? Or are you just trying to show off you have a girl you like? You left so many question marks in that conversation which led me in thinking you like me.
 
     I am unsure what's wrong with me. I would always run away every time I sense something wrong. In secondary three, I told Wee Hiang that I like you and she had been trying hard to act like a matchmaker in putting us together. Her actions were so obvious, so I was afraid that once you know my feelings, you would avoid me. Hence, instead of you to avoid me first, I ran away. I am still thinking if that action of mine is the reason that you didn't talk to me in the next two years. We were good friends in secondary one and two, aren't we? We could even play and tease each other. Thus, the drastic change in the last two years was what I regretted. I shouldn't be so timid like I was in primary school. I should have just continue to talk to you when you were so excited about the China trip, I am really sorry for avoiding you. This had to blame on the experience I had in primary school. The rumor or maybe it was the guy who told everyone that he liked me, so the whole school knew. I had to bear that rumor for three years throughout my life in primary school. Everywhere I went in the school, sure they were people going " xxx like you" or "she is xxx girlfriend". I had enough in primary school so in order not to let it happen in secondary school, I tried to do everything without getting the eyes of everyone and not become the limelight for any matters. Then, the recent conversation where I stopped texting was also because I felt the love for you was not forgettable. I just couldn't forgive myself if I ever likes you again as I used years trying to forget you and putting down those feelings.


     I don't hope that you would reciprocate this feeling as love should not be forced. I am just begging you to let me off. Stop me from thinking of you. I want to fall in love too, and I know that person wouldn't be you. I already accept the fact but my heart don't. I am so bad, as I smiled when you liked the consistency being single picture on Instagram. I am really glad to know you are still single but this just wouldn't help me as I might just keep on thinking I have a chance. Or maybe I am the one who locked myself in this unrequited one-sided love? I am the one who keep on thinking I might have a chance so I couldn't give up and let go? Maybe Chee Ming, you should just give me one tight slap to warn me you don't like me so I can wake up from this dream.

    This one-sided love, I don't call it a bad memory. Instead, this is a good memory to me, knowing I fell in love before, it is just that I didn't fight for it. Maybe after this, I could find someone who deserve me fighting for it? Lemme put this feeling down real soon! I am really eager to know how does it feels to have someone liking you as much as you do. :D  Oh, and you too! You aren't that bad looking, so let us quickly find our special ones.

Sandy
    

YOSH!
It's the night before my flight to Japan.
I am in seventh heaven!
Japan is one of the country which I longed to visit.
All because my so called "husbands" are living there.
Btw, FTISLAND is going to be in Japan too.
I am not sure for what though.
Hence, all FTISLAND, ARASHI and Yabu Kota would be in Japan,
the period I am in Japan.
However, JAPAN IS SO FREAKING BIG.
The probability I would bump into them is most likely zero!
Anyway, I would just want to enjoy the my trip there.
There is a person I am missing so much right now.
Guess you all should know who I am referring to.
I do not know why I am behaving like this recently.
I am beginning to hate myself.
Flipping through the conversation we had over the social medias chat box,
refreshing all platforms of SNS to see if there is any update from him.
I am like those jealous girlfriends afraid of own partner cheating on them.
The only difference is he isn't mine to start with.
Why do I like someone who doesn't like me?
And worse of all, I am still thinking of him.
One year already, isn't that supposed to be enough?
The moment my brain got the time to rest, I begin to fall for him again.
In conclusion, I just have to keep myself busy all the time so I can don't remember him?
It shouldn't be like this.
Valentine's day,
he been liking all those single posts on instagram.
Is he trying to tell everyone he is single?
I must be mad, really mad.
Who cares is he is single when I don't even know who he likes?
He said he didn't want a girlfriend,
and he is so desperate in finding one right now.
What's this?
Kidding me?
I am so wrong.
I am not wrong in falling in love with him,
but I am super wrong in thinking he likes me too.
Guess I've think too much,
how could he ever like me?
I am merely his friend, stranger would be a better word to describe.
Sometimes, I would like to learn those girls with courage and confidence.
I hate myself for thinking this and that,
all this are just my thoughts.
I just don't dare to ask how he feels about me.
Worrying he might reject me,
I just wouldn't take a step forward.
So I am now causing myself to have headache everyday.
JUST to think if he likes me or not.
I am really tired, I do not want to guess anymore.
Should I confess? Should I give up?
I think loving someone is the hardest question I had in my life.
There are solutions to all the questions on the exam paper,
but not when it comes to relationship.
He might like me, as a friend.
He might don't like me.
The only thing is he would never sees me more than a friend.
There is a quote for one-sided love and I like it so much,
The world farthest distance isn't how far apart we are,
it's I am standing in front of you yet you do not know I like you.
Chee Ming,
I hope one day when you finally know my feelings,
I am still in love with you.
Cause I never want to lose a chance to be with you.
I am dreaming every single night that I would finally have you.
However, once I am awake,
being with you is just a dream.
I do not know how to make you like me,
but if I ever gives up.
Maybe it is just that I wait too long.
Damn cancer horoscope!
Why just cant I make the first move?
Is my pride really that important?
I long to have you, knowing it is impossible.
Maybe I shouldn't read those
"how to know if the guy is liking me" questions on Google,
then I wouldn't think that you would me too.
So I could have put this feeling down even faster.
I know how love feels,
it is so difficult and pain.
If it is so easy to know how you feel about me,
then I won't have to figure out your feelings.
It is so pain as if one day,
you really have a girlfriend.
I am unsure if I could take it in easily.
The me you know isn't that strong.
Please use the most painless way to make me walk away.
I think I am in fault too.
I regret when the times when you played with me, I chose to walk away.
I think that's the reason why you are leaving me too.
Is it because you feel I am ignoring you?
I am sorry!
Cancers are like this.
They only know how to walk away when trouble comes.
I am not ignoring you, I am just afraid if the more I talk to you,
and you teasing me, I would just think that you like me too when there is not the truth.
I know since young that this world does not have beautiful ending
like those in the fairytales,
I know there are no prince to every princess,
I walk away is because I don't want to be in hurt as
I know the one in your heart wont be me.
I feel so dumb to think that you like me.
Look at me,
I am not pretty,
I am not smart,
how could you like me? right?
Just let me stand afar,
liking you is uncontrollable.
Until the day you have a girlfriend,
though I wish this day would never come,
I will then walk away.
because I am so stupid to continue liking you,
even though you don't like me.
I don't even know why I am so persistent in this unrequited love.

OWNED BY: Sandy Lim
STONE CRACKED: 4 July '95
SCHOOL(s): KHS'02-07 / MPSS'08-'12 / TP'13-'16
COLOUR OF MY LIFE: White and Black.

Sandy is MY name :D !
I am just ranting all my unhappiness and frustration about my life.
Of course it will not only be negative sides.
Life is full of challenges.
TAKE IT, LEARN IT and REMEMBER IT.
Enjoy if you like it or LEAVE if you hate it.
Simplicity is the only rule in my game.
It's all my personal feelings and I am not pin-pointing anyone.
SO DON'T FEEL OFFENDED.
This is all about it.
Admires, Loves, Hatred, Jealous, Dislikes!
Saranghaeyo, Sukidayo, Wo Ai NI, I love you.
Komowo, Arigato, Xie Xie,Thank you.

I ♡ Ft island & ARASHI & KinKi Kids & Yabu Kota!

WHAT KEEPS MY LIFE GOING: FOODS. DRAMAS. SLEEP. FRIENDS.
WHO MOTIVATES ME: FT ISLAND & ARASHI & KINKI KIDS & YABU KOTA.
HOW I SURVIVE: CHIONG DRAMAS OVERNIGHT. BAD-MOUTHING PPL I HATE WITH MY BESITES. TALK ABOUT LIFE RANDOMLY.



SU-KA:
♥ ARASHI
♥ FT Island & WON BIN
♥ KINKI KIDS
♥ YABU KOTA
♥ HCM, MY CRUSH
♥ Good things to happen
♥ Spending quality time with my HAO PENG YOU
♥ Doing what I like & having time for myself


BUAY SONG:
X When idiots talk bad about my idols
X When things do not happen as I wish
X People who literally ignored me
X Taking in all those shitty things by myself
X Double face BASTARD. Bootlickers. FAKERS.
X Separations

These are my LIKES and DISLIKES :D


This world is so amazing!
BUT, virtual world seems to be more REAL than real world.
Everyone is putting a mask over their face to fit in this society.
No one is ever going to show you their real side anymore.
Be strong.
That's the only way to survive in this ruined world.